Ending Chapters and New Beginnings

Alright, please bare with me as I express my situation right now. I just needed some place to write it out, and I figure, why not here?

Right now I am feeling very overwhelmed. Between school, and being a wife and mother I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Right now in my life, this is a time that a huge chapter is ending, and a new one is opening for me. This is how I am feeling these days:

With me being on the verge of being finished with school (I'll be done in April), I am excited, anxious, and worried. I am excited because I have been in school for the last 18 years of my life, without any sort of break. I feel like this has been my life! These last two years, my longest break from school has been a month. I also am excited because I am the first person in my family (of all my siblings, parents, and grandparents) to finish and receive a college degree. I am really excited!

I am anxious; despite this semester being the lightest credit load I have ever taken, it is definitely the most difficult for me. Being a mom and wife right now is so time demanding. Hayden is in need of constant attention. I find myself wanting to be able to just play with him all day instead of doing homework. My house is an utter disaster, my fridge and pantry are both completely empty, and I am in sweats most of the day, everyday (YUCK). I almost get no quality time with my hubby, and I am used to spending loads of time with him; it is hard because he is my best friend and I LOVE spending time with him (yes, he stills drives me crazy at times just like any normal husband).

An assignment that would normally take me thirty minutes, now takes me two hours to complete. I barely finish my assignments on time right now, and they are not to the standards that I have held myself to; this drives me crazy.  For all these reasons, I am anxious to finish and see how I will do.

I am worried because I am afraid of what I am going to do once I am done with my degree. I'm not going to start a career; I made that decision a long time ago. I have been fortunate enough that my husband that can provide for us so that I can stay at home to be a Mom. However, I don't feel like I have any hobbies or skills that I can use being at home, and that makes me worried. What am I going to do with myself with my extra time? I know that is something so dumb to be worried about, but seriously, I am. My whole life my spare time was filled with sports, and I can't do that all the time now. I have never been crafty, but I have the desire to be; but I don't know where to start.

I've started to think that maybe I should just go for a Masters. But I've decided that no, I should try to develop myself in other ways.

So, overall, I am doing great. But I feel like I have all the drive and vision that I would ever need in some areas of my life, and that I am completely blind in others. I am feeling bittersweet about these changes; but overall excited. I know that I'll figure it out. I know that I will love 'just' being a mom. I know that I will enjoy being at home and not having to plaster my face to a screen for hours a day. I know all these things confidently.

Sometimes I see my life as scaling a mountain. Once I get to the top, I have always had higher one behind it to tackle. This time I am almost to the summit, but I don't see another peak to scale- at least not yet. So, for now, I focus on pushing through to the end.

 Thanks for listening.

We Have a Three Month Old!

We can't believe that our baby boy is already three months old! That flew by too fast. It's kind of bittersweet for me to have my little guy getting so big so fast. I know it will only be a matter of time until snuggles with mom will be traded for time wrestling with dad, that his eyes won't search a room for his Momma, and that he will start having his own important agenda. But I have some time before all that, and I know Hayden will have some siblings down the road. I guess I just love having a baby in my home.

Now, about my little man. At three months, he already is teething! Oh my gosh! I never thought it would happen this early. He has two bottom teeth that should be cutting any day. I can see the tips of the teeth poking out of his gums. He is trying to roll, but not very hard. He is content where he is apparently.


Here is a little bit about my little man and his already BIG personality:

• He LOVES to talk with people. It holds his attention for about 10 minutes (which I think is a good span for a baby).
• He smiles big open mouth smiles to the people he's comfortable with.
• He gives me and his dad this quizzical look at times that says: "Make me laugh funny man! Come on, show me what you got."
• He gets my attention in one volume: LOUD. By that I mean the crying that makes him turn all red.
• These days, he has to be entertained. He quickly lets me know when he is bored by smacking things away with his hands or turning his face into my chest. 
• He has a crooked smile when he is annoyed with the people talking to him.
• He LOVES to be sung to. Sometimes he sings with me. 
• He kicks with excitement when he's being changed. 
• He hates being wrapped up to sleep. I wake up at night to find his arms up through the neck of his shirts to get his arms free.  
• His favorite new toy is his fists. 

Words cannot express how happy this little guy makes me.  I have three month old pictures I will post later today. I'm out of time right now unfortunately. Dinner calls!

Ignore how awful I look. I had to post this. My little cooking assistant!

YUM! I love my fists